We know we are arbitrary. This is at once our greatest chance to remake ourselves according to our wishes and at the same time the source for the terrifying understanding that we simply drift from one random life project to the next. The act of writing a diary then is an attempt to control this random drift. When the present self is confonted with a note, a written plan, an intention mentally rehearsed it becomes the subject of its own past. Realizing the arbitrariness of self at any given point in time, the present self leaves notes, to-do lists, diaries and blog entries for the future self in an effort to remake itself in the light of its own past. Mementos then, all the little reminders and tasks one plans and reserves for tomorrow or the day after, are our means of undoing our past selves and building future ones.
The question then is who am I writing this blog for? For myself, or what my past self thought that my future self should become as well as for everyone reading it. The reason to use a blog, I’m still struggling with the pathetic grandeur of exhibting the banalities of a private life, then is to introduce in these mementos a form of dialogue. An imaginary audience serves both the purpose of breaking out of a self-referential monologue as well as a means to hold myself accountable. By publicising these words I am trying to cheat my cheating self and to appeal to my honour – not doing as I say while others are listening should up the embarassment factor sufficiently to keep me honest.
But there are other reasons as well. For one this page will help people stay on top of what I am up to and so hopefully will help me stay in touch with those I love. You could say I am trying to cheat geography. Another reason for writing this blog is to get my thoughts organized. By forcing myself to write about things I hope to make them clearer in my mind – so these pages are supposed to be a tool for reflections. It is also meant as an exercise in discipline, to see if I can keep it up on a regular basis.